The Situation Aspiration
by TerribleWaitress
Summary: Scars - not just physical marks on your body, but emotional burdens too. Leonard and Penny navigate the unexpected twists and turns of achieving that longed for happy ending; just within reach, a few hurdles away.
1. Not Prepared

**A/N - If you have ever been a final year student mid-thesis, you will understand the satisfaction of writing something else: in my case, this is! A majority of this opening chapter was written by hand post-op, so I guess I knew the moment I put pen to paper what was going to happen. The third (and final) installation to The Situation series begins here!**

* * *

With a slight sense of guilt, Penny unwrapped the box of two pregnancy tests, quickly scrunching the plastic and binning it. She fumbled with opening the box and pulling a stick out, the nerves getting the better of her. After an unnecessarily difficult struggle to pull down her shorts and underwear, she finally sat herself down on the toilet to take the test.

This _had_ to all be done before Leonard got back from the local grocery store she'd sent him to just to get him out of the hotel room. Why the hell wasn't she peeing? It wasn't as though she was in a public bathroom where everybody could hear her.

Closing her eyes, Penny tried to relax. After a few seconds she leaned over and turned on the taps fully: something she had done the first few nights Leonard had ever stayed at her place. It did the trick - almost a whole two minutes after sitting down, Penny was finally done and pulling up her shorts. Placing the stick on the edge of the sink, she washed her hands and checked the time on her phone before running to the window. There was no sign of Leonard, so she gazed longingly at the beach beyond for a small while. Despite having spent most of their morning there, Penny had the sudden desire to run down the road to the beach again, barefoot and giggling with her brand new wedding ring shining in the sunlight. Tugging her focus away from the beckoning view, Penny once more checked the time on her phone and trudged back to the bathroom.

After all, Leonard did not know that she had stopped taking her contraceptive pill once they had made their pre-wedding no-sex pact. Although she'd been openly following all the subsequent tips to get pregnant since the day after their wedding, it would seem pretty sudden and strange if she fell pregnant _this_ soon. Obviously she would tell him if the test was positive - and she would tell him about the pill soon enough regardless of the outcome - but Penny couldn't help but feel a little guilty that she hadn't told him. They hadn't had _that_ conversation yet; not since their initial agreement that once they'd gotten married they'd begin trying - but this soon? She was sure it wouldn't be a big deal - she had been pretty expressive about wanting a baby for a long time now. And he hadn't argued against her tips on getting pregnant that she'd employed recently. At least Leonard had been enjoying the view of her on her back with her legs up in the air after every time they had sex, Penny thought with a smirk.

"Alright, moment of truth." Penny said to herself with a sharp intake of breath.

 _Not pregnant_.

Penny was not prepared for how distressing those two words would be, regardless of the fact that she'd been preparing herself for either result. Her eyes welled up with tears and her chest tightened; the pregnancy test became tightly embraced by the clenching of her fists. This was her first pregnancy test since she'd lost Hope and it was like a punch to the stomach; as though someone was telling her she was physically incapable of having or carrying a child. Unable to rationalize her thoughts to calm down, Penny curled up on the cold bathroom floor and let herself cry, pained gasps and heaves taking over her hopeful bounce from mere moments ago.

After a while, Penny very suddenly became aware of how tightly her fists were clenched. "Don't do this to yourself," Penny whispered through the lump in her throat. She knew cutting her hands, whether it was intentional or not, wasn't going to change the outcome of the pregnancy test; neither was lying on the floor.

Slowly, she sat up. Uncurling her fingers, she let the pregnancy test drop to her lap. After wiping at her eyes and taking a deep breath, she picked the stick back up and stood to face herself in the mirror. Initially, she had been planning on simply throwing the test away if it was negative and forgetting about it, leaving Leonard none the wiser.

"But you have nothing to hide from Leonard." Penny told her reflection in the mirror.

It was true: what was there to hide? What was there to be so ashamed of? Leonard knew how much she wanted to have a baby, and he understood how difficult it was for her after the miscarriage to deal with these sorts of things. And it's not as though he'd be angry at her for having stopped taking her pill earlier than planned, or that she had taken a pregnancy test. It was difficult for him as well; he'd lost Hope too, Penny knew a negative pregnancy test would affect him as much as it did her. He deserved to be involved in this process, and she realized now just how much she needed him to be there for it all.

Sighing, Penny looked down at her still trembling hands holding the pregnancy test. As if on cue, she heard the door open and Leonard call "hello?"

In a rush of desperation, Penny half-ran out of the bathroom straight into Leonard's arms. Holding onto him tightly, she gripped onto his t-shirt sleeves. "I missed you."

"I was only gone a few minutes," Leonard half-chuckled, one brow raised in confusion. His arms were holding her against him cautiously, the grocery bag dangling from his hands. When she didn't let go, he frowned as the worry kicked in. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Stepping back, Penny shook her head. "No." Hands still shaking, she held out the pregnancy test.

"Is that..." Leonard gulped as he looked down at her hands. "Is that a pregnancy test?"

"It's negative." Penny croaked out; her throat felt dry and she finally understood the term 'all cried out'. She used her free hand to guide Leonard to the hotel bed which just hours ago she had joked was probably receiving the best show of it's entire life.

Leonard placed the grocery bag on the floor while Penny blinked up at the ceiling. "Is... what..." He closed his mouth again, unsure of what he was trying to ask.

"Please don't be mad at me." Penny said, turning to face him. She twiddled nervously with the pregnancy test in her hands. "When we made that no-sex pact, I was close to finishing my pills. So I did. And when I would normally start a new pack, I just... didn't. I was so... _so_ desperate to have the best chance possible." It was painful to talk, but she continued, as his only answer was the same shocked expression from moments ago. "I know I should have told you but I was... scared and excited, and I felt... kinda silly, but I also liked having my own little secret. And this morning I felt a little _different_ , so I took... this test."

"Oh, Penny," Leonard gently placed his hand over hers. "I'm not mad at you for that. Why would I be?"

"Because we're in this together. I should have told you." Her voice was so quiet, if she hadn't been directly in front of him he would have struggled to hear. Bottom lip quivering, Penny placed the pregnancy test in Leonard's hand. "I was not prepared for it to be negative."

"I don't think it's something you can really prepare for."


	2. Together

"Have I ruined it?" Penny asked quietly, turning her head to look at Leonard. "The honeymoon?"

"Of course not!" Leonard said quickly, putting his book down on the nightstand.

"I just feel like-"

"Penny, you _have not_ ruined the honeymoon." Leonard took Penny's hand beneath the covers, giving it a gentle squeeze. "The only thing that could ruin the honeymoon is if Sheldon were to appear."

Biting her lip, Penny giggled. "Yeah, that would _definitely_ ruin it." Bringing her free hand to his chest, Penny blinked up at Leonard thoughtfully. "Maybe this was just... too much too soon. Like, realistically... I knew it wasn't gonna happen. It's just-"

"I know." Leonard kissed her forehead. "And that's okay."

"I'm feeling a lot better about it though." Penny assured him. "And I guess that first negative was gonna happen sooner or later."

"That was always going to be difficult. I'm glad you're feeling better about it."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

Sighing, Penny sat up. "Just because I'm the one who took the test, doesn't mean I'm the only one affected by the outcome."

"I guess..." Leonard stared at the ceiling, trying to find a way to express his current state of mind. "For me, how _you_ feel is the priority. I hate seeing you upset or hurting."

"But what about _you_? Putting me aside."

"I did sort of get my hopes up. In my head, everything happened quickly and perfectly and we were happy. So a negative test so soon is a big shock to the system." Leonard admitted. "But like I said - you're the priority."

"Sweetie..." With a huff, Penny swung a leg over Leonard's body so she was straddling him. "While I get what you mean... you need to put _your own_ feelings first. You matter. How you feel matters to me." Leaning down, she planted a soft kiss on his lips. "Okay?"

"I can't help it."

"Leonard." Penny folded her arms over her chest, looking down at him. "We are in this _together_. The good and the bad. That's what you get for marrying me. Your feelings matter just as much as mine."

Staring at Penny in contemplation, Leonard sighed before bringing a hand up to rub his brows. "It's... scary. I think everything happens for a reason, and my job is to find that reason. I've wanted to have babies with you for a _long_ time, but now when something like this happens... it scares me."

"But what if the reason isn't something _bad_? We can't help why things happen, even if they have a reason. We broke up for a reason - even if it hurt at the time, there was a reason." Penny relaxed her arms to let her hands rest gently on his chest. "Leonard, this is... unbelievably difficult and every bump in the road is gonna feel like you're being torn apart all over again. But maybe the reason is that it's just not time for a baby yet."

"Maybe it is... but you never know."

"Leonard, I'm scared too. I'm terrified." Penny whispered. She shuffled down his body slightly so she could lie down on top of his body, head on his chest, and pulled the covers over them. His hands came to hold her back. Closing her eyes, she listened to his heartbeat for a moment. "But we are, we are in this together - the scary part and the fun part and whatever part comes next. And the likelihood is that most of this will be terrifying, and there'll be so many hurdles before we reach the final one. But that's okay - that's okay with me. As long as I have you there with me."

* * *

"So - how was the honeymoon?" Amy wiggled her eyebrows at Penny as they drove out of the airport parking lot. "Did you enjoy finally putting an end to the no-sex pact?"

"Oh, we sure did!" Penny grinned. " _Trust_ me. Leonard even-"

" _Penny_!" Leonard whined, blushing as his eyes went wide.

"What?" Penny raised a brow at him, before turning back to Amy. "It's not even a big deal for him. Guys just do what they do, you know, whatever. But I've been asking him for _so_ long and he _finally-_ "

"Penny!" Leonard flicked Penny's shoulder.

"Ow! _What_?"

"I'm not comfortable with this!"

With a dramatic groan, Penny leaned her head back against the headrest. "Amy asked, I'm just answering her question. It was a great time for me."

"I'm sure she'll tell me in private anyway." Amy told Leonard, winking at him in the rearview mirror.

"And he's probably gonna brag about it to the guys later anyway." Penny giggled. "And then Sheldon can tell you, because he'll be grossed out and want to get that off his shoulders to make sure _you_ don't wanna do that."

"I am not!" Leonard protested. "We don't go into _that_ much detail!"

"Oh," Amy snorted as they approached a red light. "Okay."

"We don't."

"Sheldon says you do."

"Leonard!" Penny reached around to slap Leonard's leg.

"Okay firstly, _ow_. Secondly, what? We don't go into like, _detail_. Just... the pros and cons of certain positions, what music works-"

"Can you please inform Sheldon that the theme tune to _Mario Kart_ is not appropriate bedroom music?" Amy asked with a whine.

"Okay, if that's all you guys talk about, then that's fine." Penny shrugged. "But they'd probably be jealous. I bet Howard hasn't-"

"Oh, so you want me to tell the guys about the second night when you-"

"Don't you dare!" Penny gasped, before grasping Amy's arm with a serious expression. "Whatever you hear about that, ignore it."

"You two make me laugh." Amy chuckled.

"Anyway, we have the rest of the honeymoon to tell you about." Penny folded her arms in defiance. "The weather was amazing and our hotel was right by the beach - like, I could walk there barefoot. I have _so_ many photos to show you guys-"

"Yeah, I wanna know about the second night." Amy interrupted smugly.

"Not gonna happen." Penny shook her head. She suddenly wished that after agreeing with Leonard to not tell their friends about the negative pregnancy test, they had also agreed on not sharing other aspects of their honeymoon. But with a small smile to herself, Penny silently thanked Leonard's ability to have helped her through that painful part and that there had still been things to enjoy - and secrets that they wanted to keep private for fun reasons, rather than personal, painful ones.

* * *

"Did you see any trains?" Sheldon asked after a noisy sip of his cola, his eyes wide with excitement and anticipation.

"A few." Penny replied.

"Did you _go_ on any trains?"

"No." Leonard said quickly before taking a generous bite of his burger.

"Not even to or from the airport?"

"Nope." The two Hofstadter's replied simultaneously, mouths full.

"Not only is that disappointing, but it's disgusting to speak with your mouth full."

Rolling her eyes, Penny opened her mouth and made an "aah" sound in Sheldon's direction, giving him a decent view of the food-filled mouth.

Sheldon shuddered. "Like I said: gross."

"When do we get to see the photos?" Bernadette asked excitedly.

Finishing his mouthful of food, Leonard replied, "Well, you're all welcome to come over to our place after we finish eating."

"I'm in!" Raj clapped his hands together excitedly before frowning. "Wait, unless you've honeymooned all over the apartment."

Shaking her head before she replied, Penny held up a hand. "Not in the living room." _Yet_ , she thought with a smirk. _Since we bought a new blanket to cover the couch cushions._

"What about the bathroom?" Sheldon asked cautiously. "I need advance notice if I'm going to be unable to use the bathroom."

"Okay, you lived with Leonard for _years_ and still used that shower and nothing happened to you." Penny raised a brow.

Sheldon's eye began twitching. "Leonard told me it was only washing that went on in there."

"Ooh, yeah, sorry buddy." Leonard shrugged.

"I would appreciate it if we moved on to a different subject while we're eating." Amy said blandly.

"Sorry! Okay, different topic." Penny cleared her throat. "Raj, how're things going with the apartment redecorating?"

"Well, you know, it was kinda easy once Yvette moved her things out - it didn't look so... _Yvette_." Raj nodded. "It's a total bachelor pad once more."

"Any plans for Emily to move in?"

"Who knows." Raj shrugged casually, leaning back in his chair. "Rajesh Koothrappali can't be tamed."

"Actually-" Howard began.

"Shut up." Raj glared at Howard. "Just because I was _once_ tamed, doesn't mean I can _be_ tamed indefinitely."

* * *

"I feel like I've done that one too many times." Leonard said as he and Penny sat down in the car, having finished up at the fertility clinic.

"What?"

"The cup thing. It's weird. D'you reckon that room is actually soundproof?"

"I dunno, I was too busy praying nobody walks in while I've got my legs wide open in those stirrups." Penny shrugged. "You don't mind that you had to do the cup thing again, do you?"

"What do you mean?" Leonard decided this probably wasn't a good time to start the car and start driving home - not just yet.

Sighing, Penny shifted in her seat so she was facing Leonard. "Well... it's just that we did these same tests already. And obviously, they're costing us money. And like you said... the cup thing. One of those little swimmers could have been our baby, but now it's in a cup!"

"At least I had the help of those photos you took on my phone this time." Leonard smiled.

"Lucky you, your fertility test is literally an _orgasm_."

"Not a particularly good one though." Leonard shrugged. "But... no, it doesn't bother me. I know this is important to you, and we'll both know for certain that everything is okay."

"I'm just scared." Penny admitted, looking down at her hands. "I know it's stupid because I've only taken one pregnancy test and the odds of that being positive were low anyway. And it's really not a great time in those stirrups either - literally the second least fun that has ever happened between my legs, after Hope. I'm scared. I really don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to get upset if we keep trying and nothing happens."

Taking Penny's hands, Leonard kissed Penny gently on the forehead. He could tell she was reaching the verge of tears. "It's not stupid," he assured her. "We're in this together - just like you said. And if some of that involves a cup and stirrups, then that's just the way it is."

"I'm sorry I'm not handling this better."

"There's no _way_ to handle this. You just do what you feel is right - and I think this is the right thing to do for us, even if it doesn't make sense to others."

"Okay." Penny looked up at Leonard with a small smile. "I'm glad those photos helped."

With a small chuckle, Leonard tucked a strand of hair behind Penny's ear. "I'm glad you had the idea to take those photos this morning."

"Well you can't be the genius in this relationship _all_ the time." Penny half-laughed, half-scoffed as she wiped at the corners of her eyes. "Everything is gonna come back okay." She said, mostly to reassure herself. "Just like last time."

"I think so too. But there's no harm in checking." Leonard squeezed her hand. "You wanna go get some Chinese food? We can see if Sheldon's made any progress in getting them to change the menu's orange chicken to _tangerine_ chicken."

"Chinese food sounds good." Penny nodded. "But I think... tomorrow, I'm gonna start following that pamphlet. Properly, you know."

"Oh man, does that mean you're gonna stop drinking coffee?"

"Yes, so you'll have to be extra nice in the mornings. And we'll need to go to like... Wholefoods, or something, tomorrow."

"I guess I could give up coffee too. And eat... you know, healthy things instead of takeout."

"Really? You're willing to actually do that?"

"Yup. We're in this together, remember?"

"You realize you're gonna be the one cooking all the meals." Penny raised a brow.

"Considering the other option is eating something _you_ cook, I am more than happy to cook all the meals."

"Hey, we could put aside the money we'd use for takeout each week and save it to buy something nice for the baby." Penny suggested, as Leonard started up the car and she put on her seatbelt.

"That's a really good idea." Leonard raised his brows in surprise. "What made you think of that?"

"You have a lot of time to reflectively think about pretty mundane when you've got a Doctor that isn't Doctor Leonard Hofstadter between your legs."


	3. Managing

**A/N - I know my updates are slow these days, but bear with me! :) S10 is getting closer and closer, yay!**

* * *

"Can you pass me that book?"

"Oh, seriously?" Leonard half-groaned, half-laughed as he emerged from the bathroom to find Penny still lying naked on the bed, her legs in the air.

"What? I don't do this _every_ time, but I figure I might as well try help things and stay here while I study." Penny waved a hand at him. "Now bring me my book."

Shaking his head, Leonard took Penny's textbook from her dressing table and handed it over with a smirk. "It's pretty hot how you're just lying here like this and are about to study."

"Ugh, Leonard, come on, I told you, I need to study - I'm doing less classes now so I need to make sure I don't get lazy just because I'm not busy all the time!" Penny scrunched up her face. "Go read one of your comic books or something."

"Post-coital reading. This is eerily Sheldon-like."

With a shudder, Penny hit her book against Leonard's arm. "That's gross. I know we did it a _lot_ with him in the next room but believe me, it's not gonna help things in this situation."

"Now _that_ I believe." Leonard chuckled.

Making his way over to the shelf where he kept a portion of his comic books, Leonard slowed his pace. Part of him wanted to tell Penny she was crazy for taking all these precautions and extra measures. In an alternate world, he knew it would be the first thing he'd say. _You're crazy, it's not going to help! Just let it happen_. And in that alternate world, she'd laugh with him. As he slowly leafed through the comic books, he closed his eyes for a moment. This was the real world. This was the real world in which Penny had endured depression, self-harm and a miscarriage. She would laugh, but on the inside she'd be panicking. He knew she was insecure, and he knew that there were triggers they weren't aware of until they happened. After all, Penny wasn't crazy at all to be following the pamphlets she'd acquired from her doctor. Sure, she always made a joke or an excuse to keep her legs in the air or try a 'clinically recommended position' or take yet another ovulation test. She claimed she only did it from time to time, despite the fact that he was there _every_ time. But he didn't need to be a psychiatrist to know that she wasn't paranoid or crazy; she was simply scared. Over-protective, like a mother over her child. Briefly, he let himself wonder if that would be a benefit or a problem when they _did_ have a child.

"Oh man, now I want hot cocoa." Penny huffed, flipping the page of her book with more force than necessary.

"Swiss?" Leonard asked, turning away from the comic books he was only half paying attention to.

With a smile so bright that Leonard briefly forgot what he was so worried about, Penny nodded her head eagerly. "As if you even have to ask!"

* * *

"Hey!" Leonard grinned as he opened his lab door to reveal Penny. "I wasn't expecting you to visit today!"

"I know," Penny shrugged as she stepped inside. "You busy?"

"A little, but I could do with a break." Leonard closed the door and flipped a switch that stopped the electric hum Penny was about to ask about. "Everything okay?"

"Uh-huh." Penny nodded eagerly as she dumped her purse on the desk by the door and pulled out a letter. "Everything is okay."

"That's good..." Leonard said slowly, not sure what she was getting at.

Penny smiled at him for a moment, embracing the opportunity to finally be able to present Leonard with good news. "Our results came back from the doctor. Everything is perfectly fine, in working order to have a baby."

"That's- that's amazing news!"

In an instant, Penny's arms had pulled him into a tight hug. Penny was not stupid; she knew Leonard had held back from saying _that's exactly what I told you the results would say!_ \- exactly the way he held back from saying many things. They were the responses she would give herself in her mind; the responses she would have given too. They were not careless things to say, and Leonard was not insensitive to think them. The first time he'd held back a _don't be stupid_ , she'd been slightly annoyed: did he think she couldn't take it, that anything against her would be a trigger? But she realized that he was right, that he knew her better than she knew herself. There was no way of knowing exactly how to deal with her precautious behavior. She knew that if somebody else was taking a pregnancy pamphlet so seriously she would laugh at them and call them crazy. But Leonard was protecting her, whether he knew it or not. She could handle the portion of her mind that called her out on her obsessive behavior - most of the time, at least. Leonard never complained about the pregnancy pamphlets or the ovulation tests. To an outsider, it would seem like too much. She knew it was too much. Leonard knew it was too much - but he also knew that this was a sensitive subject for her.

Smiling into his shoulder, Penny hugged Leonard even tighter to herself. Two years apart, never having seen her at her worst, and he knew. He just _knew_ everything. "I love you."

Pulling back so he could kiss her softly on the lips, Leonard kept his arms around her. "I love you too."

"I just feel so... relieved." Penny told him. "It's so good to be able to see it on paper. You wanna see?"

"Sure." Leonard nodded, and they pulled apart so she could give him the thick envelope. Penny sat down on the swivel chair at the workspace he used as a desk while he pulled out the papers and skimmed through them. To his own surprised, he felt a wave of relief wash over him when he finished. He'd had no idea that he was _this_ worried about what the results would say. "You're right. It really does feel good to see that on paper."

"I know." Penny smiled. Swiveling slightly, she raised a brow as her eyes fell upon his open notepad. "God, how do you even understand any of this?"

"Well... it's my job to." Leonard chuckled as he placed the papers back in the envelope.

"Yeah, I know that, but..." Penny ran a finger over the lines of writing and the shapes of the diagrams he'd drawn, an expression of awe on her face. "It's just so complex. It never fails to amaze me just how brilliant your mind is."

"I wish it were brilliant enough to figure out what's gone wrong between the theory and the actual physics of it."

"No. It is." Penny shook her head. "It really is." Standing up, she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I don't think you realize just how brilliant you are."

* * *

"Amy!" Penny jumped as she exited the toilet cubicle to find Amy standing at the sinks. "What are you doing here?"

"I _knew_ I recognized those shoes!" Amy grinned excitedly.

"What?"

"I noticed your shoes beneath the cubicle door and wondered if maybe you were here visiting Leonard, or if somebody else just has the same excellent taste in shoes as you do." Amy explained while Penny washed her hands. "Judging by the way you look, I was right in guessing that you were here visiting Leonard."

Ignoring Amy's smirk, Penny rolled her eyes. "I was just visiting him at work."

"Yeah, yeah." Amy shook her head like a mother who knew all too well her child was lying. "Don't act as if I wouldn't find a pair of panties in your purse if I opened it right now."

Blushing slightly, Penny sighed. "Fine. But really, don't open my purse." Penny wiped her hands dry on her shirt, before looking curiously at Amy. "Do you ever get... turned on when you watch Sheldon work?"

"Not really." Amy shrugged. "He's kinda annoying when he's working."

"Huh. Just me then. O-kay." Penny cleared her throat. "So, really, what are you doing here?"

"Well, I had to pee-"

"I mean at Caltech!" Penny laughed.

"Oh! Right. The university are loaning me a couple of things and I wanted to speak with one of the Professors about their paper."

"Oh, that sounds... fun?"

"It is!"

"Good, I guessed right!" Penny grinned. "Anything interesting?"

"Possibly. I haven't gone about the paper yet, I'll meet with her after lunch. I was going to surprise Sheldon, but now that I'm here I don't know if he'd take so well to a surprise at work."

"Mm, you could be right." Penny agreed. "Could always just ask him if he wants to have lunch with you."

"That's a good idea. Wanna grab some coffee? I've got a lot of time to kill."

"Umm," Penny glanced nervously at her purse before giving a small shrug. "Yeah, sure, why not."

Deciding to ignore Penny's mysterious glance at her purse, Amy led the way out of the bathroom.

* * *

"I don't know." Leonard ran a hand through his hair helplessly. "It's not like I have experience with pregnant women, or women trying to become pregnant. Maybe they're all like that?"

"Well, there's certainly no one _type_ of pregnant women. They can be almost entirely carefree and easy going, or they can be completely obsessed with every little step." Ellen said, setting her notepad to the side for a moment. "And believe me when I say, I know it seems like Penny is on the very end of that scale, but I've had a few cases more extreme."

"Really?" Leonard raised a brow. "That's hard to imagine."

"So it _does_ bother you?"

Leaning back into the now familiar couch, Leonard studied the curtains behind Ellen for a moment before responding. "It's not that it _bothers_ me so much as... I don't know. It doesn't bother me, I just..." Sighing, he shook his head. "I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what to say to her, or if I should acknowledge everything she's doing or try harder with following _my_ part of the conception leaflet or... something. I just don't know."

"Penny doesn't seem to think that you don't know." Ellen said simply. "From her point of view you're doing everything right without even having to ask. You're not questioning her actions or her reasoning, you're just letting her deal with this how she needs to."

"Part of that is because I'm scared that if I ask about something, she'll get upset. I'm not scared of dealing with her being upset, but being the _reason_ she's upset? That is something I'm scared of."

"Of course you're scared, Leonard. You love her. You watched her fall apart so many times. You pieced her back together again. And it's a terrifying process that you wish to never go through again, but know without a doubt that you would endure again and again should you need to." Ellen said softly, wishing there was something she could do to remove the pain that was clouding Leonard's eyes from the words she had spoken. Clearly, they had hit home with him. "What happened to Penny doesn't affect only her."

"Why do you think she's like... this? About getting pregnant?"

"Her parents were unprepared for children. Her sister was unprepared to have a child too. Sometimes we don't realize how things from so far in our past, things that don't seem to have a direct effect on us, change the way we behave about something. And now for Penny, it seems like all the signs are telling her the same thing: you're not ready, it's not gonna happen, this isn't meant to be."

"But they're not."

"But do you see how she might think they are?"

"I never knew about her sister's child up until quite recently. And it's weird, because... you're right. Maybe Penny didn't think about her sister losing her child like she does now until she lost Hope. And maybe if Bridget wanted to have a child in the future, she'd follow each step to the letter too because she wants everything to go right this time."

"What about you?"

"Me?" Leonard chuckled. "My parents didn't want children so much as subjects for their studies. My father, maybe he wanted to have children but... my mother, I really think she did them because it was 'the norm' and then she'd be able to write books about parenting, and who _doesn't_ love a good book about parenting from a psychological perspective?"

"Yes, your mothers books are certainly... interesting. To put it nicely."

"I don't want to turn out like them. That I treat my children too... 'by the book'. Because I'm too scared of being a bad father to stray from what I'm told to do. That's how I lived my life - I was too scared to go outside of the box that was the set of rules imposed on me."

"But you did step outside the box. When you gained your independence and learned how to exercise it, you asked out Penny. And now look where you are! I don't think you need to be scared about being a bad father. Worried, yes, because that's natural and it's good to worry a little. But I don't think you need to be as scared as you are."

"I guess I can't help it."

"I know." Ellen said sympathetically, picking her notebook back up. "I can see that. But we can work on it, if you want to."

"Do you think it will help?"

"Do _you_ think it will help?"

Looking around the room, Leonard pushed his glasses up his nose slightly and let out a long sigh. "I... I don't know. I think so." He frowned. "I'm confused."

"How about you come back next week, and if you feel that it helps you, we continue. If not, we don't."

"It is useful to talk to somebody." Leonard admitted. "There's a lot happening. Besides, you understand Penny on a different level to anyone else. You understand _me_ on a different level."

"Well, that is my job." Ellen smiled. "If you didn't think I understood Penny, then I wouldn't be doing my job very well."

"That's true." Leonard chuckled.

"You know, when I got pregnant - the first time - I had no clue what to do. I wanted it for so long, but then when it happened my husband was away and I knew he still had a month before he came back, and I freaked out. I bought every vitamin you could possibly find in the pharmacy and everything that had the word 'natal' in it."

"I can't imagine you freaking out over anything."

"Good. I don't freak out during office hours." Ellen grinned. "I'll book you in for next week. But I think you're doing great, given your circumstances."

"Thank you. I'm glad somebody thinks so, because sometimes I really have no clue what I'm doing."

"Don't worry. It's natural." Ellen put her notepad back down, and stood. "I'll send a message with the appointment."

"Thank you." Leonard smiled gratefully. He could imagine Penny doing this job; she was good at hiding things - whether they were good or bad - and giving her best to everyone else.

"Tell Penny I say hi."

"I'll let her know." Leonard nodded, heading to the door. "I think Penny's managing well. Perhaps she's managing better than me, to be honest. But every so often she looks... lost. Sometimes I think she's bothered about how obsessed she is with this pregnancy thing. But she can't help it. She's just scared."

Ellen nodded, using a smile to hold back the ' _I would be too'_ she wanted to share. Leonard was a logical man; he didn't need to be told. His presence in her office was enough to tell her just how much he understood.


	4. Pleasure

Leonard could not help but smirk as his ears adjusted to the non-dream sounds filling his mind. He'd been dreaming about a great observatory; an unexplainably beautiful display surrounding him with a majestic orchestral soundtrack. But it had slowly become distorted with the sounds of a much more modern type of music, considerably more upbeat... most definitely more... _Penny_. And once he was properly awake, no longer in the observatory but in his bed, he could not help but shake his head a little as he slowly sat up.

In all the years he'd known Penny, he'd learned how and when she listened to music. Through headphones whilst jogging, sometimes when she went shopping (but they got in the way when she wanted to go try on clothes or shoes). Quietly through her speakers or radio when she was tidying up around the house so she could hum along - and when she vacuumed, she'd still be singing where the song had been drowned out. Sometimes if she was taking a bath she would play a relaxing playlist from her phone and every so often she would shower with the shower radio on, but she preferred to make her own music much to Leonard's dismay. When she was drunk or getting ready to go out it was usually Beyoncé - she'd mix it up sometimes but he could only remember Beyoncé. On his birthday she'd listen to the Star Wars soundtrack, but he was pretty sure she wasn't _really_ listening to it, which was okay because it was mainly background music for whatever 'gift' she had for him in the bedroom.

But music like this only meant one thing, and it made Leonard get out of bed with a grin. It was a grin that stayed on his mouth when he entered the kitchen, suspicions confirmed.

In one of her husband's shirts and the first pair of panties she could find, Penny was singing and dancing along to her music (blasted on her speakers, of course - Leonard sometimes regretted buying her such powerful ones) while she cooked breakfast. A delicious breakfast of French Toast: it was always the same. Leonard had come to recognize the music accompanying his wife's actions as 'I had mind-blowing sex last night' music.

Throughout her life before Leonard had introduced himself, Penny could recall two times she had done this. Once when she was dating T.J. and she'd been dancing around the house to music blaring from her bedroom and her sister would not stop laughing or teasing her. The second time was with Kurt, but it had been early in the relationship when he'd cared about her at least as much as he did himself. After that had been the time she and Leonard had broken her bed. And the times after that were all Leonard, but fortunately they had only broken one bed (that they owned; she wasn't too sure about a few of the hotel beds).

And this time, Penny was even more enthusiastic than usual. It had been a long time - too long, she realized - since she and Leonard had had non-baby-making sex. That was great too, but she had forgotten how great it was to just have sex because a kiss was not enough, and then making out was not enough, and then suddenly her whole body was screaming for more. Just thinking about it made her shudder and close her eyes in bliss.

" _If I_ \- oh crap!" She quickly flipped over two slices of toast before they crossed the line from perfect to merely very good. " _I can do anything! I am str-_ ow, hot! - _I am invincible_..." She paused her singing, but still hummed, as she sucked on the side of her index finger which had touched the side of the pan.

"You're adorable." Leonard chuckled, heading over to the island counter. "You know that?"

"How long have you been standing there watching?" Penny asked, throwing him a grin over her shoulder.

"Long enough to take it all in." Leonard shrugged, picking up a slice of French Toast and taking a bite. "Mm. This is good."

"Of course it is." Penny set about preparing the final slices of bread to go in the pan. "I considered changing it up, but... nah."

"If it ain't broken..." Leonard agreed.

"Exactly." Penny winked.

* * *

"I just feel like... _wow_." Penny grinned, slapping her thighs in enthusiasm. "Like, this whole time I was so focused on trying to have a baby that I forgot what it's like to have sex for the sake of... having sex. Just enjoying that moment where it's just the two of you and nothing else matters. It's _amazing_. I feel incredible."

"I can tell." Ellen said with a laugh.

"I really feel like myself again. That first morning when I was making French Toast, I was trying to remember when was the last time that I felt like that and I couldn't remember. I don't want to get to that point again."

"So when you were having sex for the purpose of having a baby... you didn't enjoy it?"

"It's not that I didn't enjoy it. Of _course_ I enjoyed it. But I was always insistent that we only use the recommended positions and I have to keep my legs in the air afterwards and all that... it was never just do what we want, have a phenomenal time, cuddle afterwards. Even if it was only in the back of my mind, it was there. Like I was pressuring myself."

"What made that pressure go away?"

Twisting her lips in thought, Penny tried to remember if there was anything different that she could specifically remember or pin point. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "We just went out for dinner one evening and then we came home and... had really great sex."

"Do you regularly go out for dinner with Leonard?"

"Well, we _have_ dinner together all the time. If we go out usually it's with our friends."

"Why did you go out for dinner together that time, instead of staying in or going with friends?"

"Umm..." Penny tried to think back to that evening.

"A special occasion of some kind? A recommendation?"

As the memory of the evening came back to Penny, her face lit up with a grin. "No, nothing like that. It was just that neither of us could be bothered to cook and we couldn't agree on a takeaway. So Leonard suggested we go out somewhere nice for dinner for a change."

"That's sweet."

"Yeah. Sometimes he does that. Just surprises me. I remember now, he said it would give me a chance to wear the new dress I'd bought the other week. Maybe he remembers how much I enjoyed getting dressed up when we were younger. Or maybe he just wanted me to take my mind of things because he could see me constantly worrying."

"Ah, that could be why." Ellen agreed. "I think you both have a great insight into each others minds. That's a really special bond. It shows how much you care about each other, to know when you need something a little different."

* * *

"Uh, okay, truth." Penny chose. She was _way_ too acquainted with Amy and Bernadette's dares to choose anything other than 'truth' so soon after finishing her second dare of the evening.

"Alright." Amy looked around Penny's living area as she tapped her chin, searching for inspiration. A copy of the trusty _Cosmopolitan_ on the coffee table caught her eye and she smirked as she scanned the cover. "What's the weirdest thing you've done during sex?"

"Oh." Penny scrunched up her face. She hadn't even _read_ that issue yet - that had been her original plan for the afternoon before Leonard had come home early. On the one hand, she could easily tell a lie... but on the other hand, the girls always knew when she was lying. And Sheldon had been right on the other side of the wall so many times... he'd probably told Amy everything by now. Besides, she was curious what the other two would answer if she asked the same question during their next 'truth' picks. "Uh, I guess... sometimes I just yell 'yee-haw'... I don't know why."

Nodding with an amused half-frown that was holding back a laugh, Amy raised her brows. "Okay yeah that's pretty weird," she agreed quickly.

"Why yee-haw?" Bernadette asked, trying to suppress her giggles to little success.

"I really don't know. It just... happens." Penny admitted. "It's not like I _plan_ it!"

"In what universe is 'yee-haw' even sexy? I am never gonna be able to watch a cowboy movie the same way ever again." Bernadette laughed.

"Or go to a rodeo."

"Okay, when have you _ever_ gone to a rodeo?" Penny pointed out. "Can we just move on from this? Amy, isn't it your turn?"

And much to Penny's dismay, the two girls picked 'dare' on their turns. She wondered if they knew she wanted to ask the same question, but she also didn't know if she _really_ wanted to ask. Perhaps another time, because now they were insisting that they were bored and wanted to play a different game. The three of them decided instead to watch a movie when none of them managed to think of a game they were all willing to play. Usually Penny had a ton of suggestions, but now that she wasn't drinking all her suggestions didn't seem that exciting anymore. Who played _Twister_ without a little confidence boost about their flexibility from alcohol anyway? _Well... not with their friends, at least..._ Penny thought with a smirk as Amy dejectedly pushed her Travel Twister back into her overnight bag while Bernadette headed over to the DVD collection.


	5. Helping Hands

Amy recognized those painted nails. She'd been with Penny the day before; they'd gone after work because Penny was complaining that she hated seeing her cheap chipped nail polish when she was typing. Since her part time study timetable had fully kicked in now and Penny had been worried it would make her lazy, Amy had suggested that twice a week Penny come and study in her office to avoid distractions. It was working well, especially now that Penny seemed to be in a better mood. She'd even gone for a fun pink color for her nails, as opposed to her more recent darker shades.

But what Amy had not been expecting was to see that hand picking up a pregnancy test and mumbling, "oh, shoot" before it once more disappeared from view. Amy had just finished dinner with a colleague; she hadn't known Penny would be there too. She wasn't that surprised to learn that Penny was here too, but the fact that Penny was taking a pregnancy test in a restaurant bathroom was strange. Not wanting to be seen by Penny and make things awkward, she waited silently in her cubicle until she heard Penny leave the cubicle, wash her hands and leave - and then a little extra, in case she came back in. She took her time washing and drying her own hands before returning to her colleague.

"Sorry," Amy apologized as she returned. "I saw someone in the bathroom who I knew."

"That's okay!" Amy's colleague, Doctor Maisie Taylor, replied. "This place is a total hotspot for all occasions. I mean, you're bound to run into someone you know here literally every other visit."

"Uh-huh." Amy nodded. She scanned the place and found Penny sitting with Leonard on the other side of the restaurant ordering food. "Say, what do you know about post-traumatic stress disorder and miscarriage?" She felt guilty for asking. It wasn't really her business, but she simply wanted to understand and find a way to help Penny.

"Well, recent research suggests that it does affect a surprisingly large portion of women. It's hardly _that_ surprising though - not only does the body go through a lot, but it's a lot to handle mentally as well." Maisie explained. "It's not really my field of expertise but I can send you some material if you like. Why do you ask?"

"My friend had a miscarriage and... she seems fine most of the time, but sometimes she'll say or do something that makes me worry that perhaps she's struggling more than she lets on, even now. She struggled, really badly, with depression a few years ago as well."

"Oh my God, that's awful. I'm so sorry she went through that."

"She has a wonderful support system in place - her husband, her psychiatrist, her family, her friends... but she's good at hiding things. I just want to help."

"That's good that she has a strong support system. Could you speak to her husband, see if he has similar concerns?"

"Maybe. It would be a difficult subject but... yeah, maybe."

"It could be a huge helping hand, you never know. I know it's often difficult to bring up certain subjects but sometimes you have to. Why don't you pop down to the Psychology department tomorrow? Like I said, I can point you in the direction of some useful materials."

"I might take you up on that offer." Amy nodded.

* * *

It had been a while since Amy had felt this nervous. She had conducted her research during the week with a helping hand from Maisie. They were briefly collaborating on a project for the Cognitive Neuroscience students with a few other faculty members, and Amy had to admit that this collaboration could not have come at a better time - although she had worked with Maisie before and often lunched with her, she would not have previously asked for her advice or assistance.

Now, she found herself waiting for Leonard to return with their mugs of tea. She had asked him if they could meet without Penny. He'd agreed with no questions asked, but had looked curious and confused. They hardly ever spent time alone together. Penny had started a light exercise program and was at yoga, so he'd invited Amy over.

"So..." Leonard began awkwardly as he placed the mugs down and sat down. "What's up?"

"Not much with me. How about you?"

"Yeah, not much either. I read that you're giving a lecture on Cognitive Neuroscience - that's cool."

"I am. Where did you hear that?"

"There was an email about multidisciplinary collaborations and as I scrolled through I saw your name."

"Yes. It's not something I would normally do but it's always good to broaden your knowledge, even if it's not directly part of your field of expertise."

"I completely agree." Leonard nodded.

An awkward silence ensued now that the topic had come to a close. Leonard took a sip of his tea even though it was still too hot. Amy gazed at the wall, keeping her hands on her lap to keep her composure casual. In the end, she decided it was probably best to get straight to the point.

"This isn't easy, Leonard, but as Penny's friend I do feel a little concerned and I don't want to ignore it."

"O-kay..." Leonard raised a brow. "Is something wrong?"

"I don't know." Amy sighed. "Have you noticed... do you ever think Penny is a little... obsessive, when it comes to pregnancy?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but quickly closed it as various scenarios rushed through his mind. Even though they had now started to sometimes have sex simply for pleasure, up until recently it had been this position or that position followed by Penny lying on her back with her legs up. She followed the pamphlets word for word and kept them in her bedside table drawer. Ovulation and pregnancy tests were a must have in the bathroom cabinet, and although he couldn't be sure they seemed to disappear and re-appear even though she'd never told him she was taking a pregnancy test. He ran a hand through his hair.

"I have thought so on a few occasions, but I never wanted to say anything to her in case it upset her. I mean, what she went through... it can't be easy, can it?"

"It must be difficult for both of you." Amy said softly. "And I really admire how strong you've both been, and how much you support Penny."

"Thank you." Leonard smiled, and then something dawned on him. Something he'd discussed briefly with Ellen once, without Penny present. "A while back, Ellen told me she'd spoken with Penny about post traumatic stress disorder. Penny has never mentioned it to me but sometimes I think... sometimes I think that maybe... maybe it's more than stress and depression and struggling to cope..."

Amy took some papers out from her purse and pushed them across to Leonard. "I did a bit of research out of curiosity. I... I was in the bathroom at the restaurant the other day and I saw Penny picking up a pregnancy test that she dropped." Amy sighed. "I know it's none of my business but... like I said, I'm just worried."

"When? How do you know it was Penny?"

"About a week ago at that restaurant downtown, the two of you were having dinner. I was there with a colleague."

"Oh." Leonard nodded. "I mean, maybe it's a part of the stress disorder. I've never outright seen her taking a pregnancy test or talk about them but they do kinda disappear and reappear in the bathroom."

"Yes, that's what I thought it could be. I'm sure Ellen has spoken to her about these things, and maybe Penny doesn't really want to talk about it to us. And I'm not saying you're not doing enough - not at all - but I just wanted to ask you what you thought."

"No, I completely understand. I was thinking about asking her about the pregnancy tests but she's just been so... happy recently. I don't want to ruin that."

"Maybe it won't. She might just not want to talk about it and that'll be it, or she might _want_ to talk about it but doesn't know how to bring it up. Or she might be completely fine and we're just overthinking things. But it's probably best to know."

"You're right." Leonard agreed. "I'll see how things go. Thanks for bringing it up. Sometimes I want to ask someone but then I think... maybe I'm overthinking it? I do that a lot."

* * *

Penny returned around two hours later, yoga mat under the same arm that she was using to balance a grocery bag with. After dropping her keys onto the table and slipping her sneakers off, she headed into the kitchen.

"Hey sweetie," Penny called, placing the bag on the counter and balancing her yoga mat in the corner. "I'm home!"

Emerging from the office, Leonard made his way through to the kitchen and gave his wife a quick kiss in greeting. "How was yoga?"

"It was really good! I feel so refreshed now." Penny grinned. "I thought we could cook pasta tonight so I grabbed a few things."

"Ooh, pasta. Are we going for crunchy this time or overcooked?" Leonard teased.

"Oh shut up." Penny gave Leonard a jokey jab to the ribs. "You can cook it. I'll just enjoy it."

"Spices!" Leonard nodded appreciatively as he pulled a spice jar out of the grocery bag. "That's an upgrade. You're really going the whole hog with this pasta dinner."

"Mm, I just fancied something with a bit of a zing, you know?" Penny shrugged. Pulling a bag of apples out of the bag, she opened it and bit into one. "God, I've been craving an apple like all day. Apple juice this morning just didn't cut it."

Continuing unloading the bag, Leonard raised a brow as he pulled out a pregnancy test box. "More pregnancy tests?"

"Well yeah, we've been having some really great sex in there," she waved her apple in the direction of their bedroom, "and I don't want to run out."

"Run out?" Leonard knew this was probably his chance to ask Penny about the issue he'd discussed with Amy earlier, but he wasn't quite sure how to phrase it and now realized he was quite afraid of what her response might be. What if it just wasn't a big deal, or she got really upset?

"Yeah. I take them sometimes just in case." Penny replied quietly. She knew she was probably being a bit excessive sometimes, but she couldn't help it. Sighing, she sat down on one of the bar stools. "Look, I really am in a much better place now. But some things just don't go away that easily and I always wonder... what if this time I _am_ pregnant, and I need to visit the doctor? And then I start thinking, what if there's something wrong and it's something that needs to be sorted out as soon as possible?"

"Penny..."

"I know, I know, it all sounds so crazy. But it's just how my mind works these days. I wish it didn't but it's kind of like a... a package deal. You get some really great days and then you get moments where your mind goes to the worst. I'm dealing with it, with Ellen mostly, but..." To Leonard's surprise, she then smiled up at him. "In one way I'm kinda glad this came up. I didn't really wanna talk about it. But now... I guess I don't have to hide it if I'm just having a bad day."

Coming over to where Penny was sat, Leonard put an arm around her. "Hey, you don't ever have to hide if you're having a bad day. That's allowed, it happens."

"Really?"

"Of course."

He hadn't gotten down to the bottom of it, but Leonard decided he was satisfied with Penny's response. If she wanted to tell him more about what was going on, eventually she would. She'd taken small steps to get to where she was now, and he knew her journey was not over - if small steps were what she needed, he was still going to be there for each one.


	6. Alternatives

"So, uh," Howard rubbed his hands together nervously, having helped Leonard bring the dirty plates and takeout boxes through to the kitchen. "I kinda... have some news for you guys."

"Are you going to space again?" Sheldon asked, his face showing the smallest bit of excitement.

"No... actually, it's even better." Howard bounced on the balls of his feet. "I know it's kinda - no, _really_ unexpected... but Bernadette and I are... pregnant."

"Oh my _God_!" Raj jumped out of his seat on the couch, practically bouncing over to encompass Howard in a hug.

"Howard, that is amazing!" Leonard grinned as he stood up, going over to hug his friend. "Congratulations!"

Not a fan of physical contact, Sheldon stood and extended his hand to Howard - which, to Howard, was more than enough coming from Sheldon. "Congratulations, Howard. The two tiniest people I know will be having the tiniest baby. Hopefully it will have tinier screams than my sisters baby."

"Yeah, I hope so too." Howard agreed as they all sat back down. "Thanks, guys. I'm really nervous but also... _really_ excited."

"Just watch out for your wife's pregnancy hormones. From the stories I heard, my sister was - in my mother's words - all over the cockamamie place." Sheldon warned. "Although she is most of the time."

"Ah..." Howard looked thoughtfully into the distance, a slightly pained expression coming across his face. "I hadn't thought of that. Damn. Yep, now I'm scared as well."

"Hey, I'm sure it will be absolutely _fine,_ " Raj assured him. "Uncle Raj be there to help you both along every step of the way."

* * *

"You okay Bernadette?" Penny asked as she got up to remove the disc from the DVD player in the unit. "Did you not like the film?"

"No, the film was good. It was cute." Bernadette smiled.

"I mean, you can pick the next one if you want." Penny shrugged. "Between me and Leonard we've got a pretty good collection."

"I brought some other films with me as well." Amy suggested.

Shrugging, Bernadette shook her head. "It's okay."

"You sure? You've been kinda quiet. Should I put something more fun on?"

"No..." Bernadette sighed, deciding she should probably say something now. Howard had messaged her a moment ago saying he'd told the guys, and she knew that Penny and Leonard texted a lot when they weren't together. And Bernadette really wanted Penny to hear the news from her first before she found out in a text message. "Look, I have to tell you something."

Sitting back down on the couch, Penny raised her brows in worry. "Okay, sure - is something wrong?"

"No... not exactly." Deciding that she should probably just get straight to the point, Bernadette took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh my God, Bernie, that's amazing!" Penny grinned, scooting across the couch to hug her friend.

"Congratulations!" Amy moved from the armchair to the other side of Bernadette to join the hug.

"Thank you," Bernadette smiled shyly as the girls pulled away. She quickly searched Penny's face for any sign of a negative reaction, but was relieved to find there was nothing but happiness there. "It's really unexpected. I'm quite nervous," Bernadette admitted.

"Oh come on, you'll be an amazing Mom!" Penny assured her.

"Yeah, and you know Raj will be with you and Howard every step of the way." Amy chuckled.

* * *

Eyes wide, Leonard opened the door to find the source of the crashing and thumping noise he'd heard when turning his key in the lock. Penny stood a few feet away, a bunch of flowers in one hand, the ends dripping water onto the floor. There was shattered glass scattered across the floor in front of the door and a tennis ball lay in the corner. Leonard quickly put two and two together as he realized Penny must have been the one to smash the vase.

"I'm sorry," Penny muttered quickly, looking relatively calm for someone who'd just lobbed a tennis ball at a glass vase. "It was a nice vase. I just needed to do that. I'll clean it up."

"It's okay," Leonard stepped carefully between the shards of glass. "I'll clean it up. You go find somewhere to put those flowers."

"I made the mess, I can clean it up." Penny made her way to the kitchen, placing the flowers in the sink and grabbing the dustpan and brush. Leonard followed her and went to collect the vacuum from the utility cupboard by the office. Returning to the hallway, Leonard watched intently as Penny swept up the broken bits of glass. Feeling his gaze on her, Penny sighed. "Leonard, I didn't break the glass so I could cut my hands with it."

"That-that's not what-"

"I broke it because it just seemed a better outlet than cutting my hands." Penny said, her tone half-annoyed and half-upset. "Just... just put the flowers in a vase. I'll sort this out, I promise I'll be fine."

Not wanting to seem like he didn't trust her, Leonard nodded his head "okay" and turned to head over to the kitchen.

Carefully, Penny continued sweeping up as much of the glass as she could. In a way it was sort of nice, making a mess and making it disappear again. She couldn't make the mess from her own life disappear, so she figured this might just be the next best thing. Once she was done, she put the glass in a separate bag before binning it and returning to vacuum. Leonard had placed the flowers into two tall pint glasses as makeshift vases for the time being, and went to wash up the snack bowls and glasses Penny had used with the girls.

"All done," Penny said as she made her way through the house with the vacuum.

Following Penny, Leonard went past her to the bedroom and began getting undressed. He'd made it to the bathroom before Penny joined him and they silently got ready for bed. It was only when they were in the comfort of their bed, an episode of a new Netflix show on the laptop between them before they spoke again.

"I'm not _angry_ with Bernadette and Howard." Penny began quietly, her eyes still on the screen. "I mean, I'm more than a _little_ jealous. But I _am_ mad at the fact that we have been trying _so hard_ , and they just accidentally end up with a baby - how messed up is that?"

"A little." Leonard admitted. "I felt kinda annoyed at one point, but not with them. Just that life works in such... weird, mean ways. I feel bad because I'm happy for them both, but I just wish we had that first."

"Exactly." Penny reached across for Leonard's hand. "I just needed to let that out, and I don't want my friends' happiness to be the reason I hurt myself. Ellen told me if I ever feel myself edging somewhere... somewhere like that, to find a different outlet. So when Amy and Bernadette were leaving I spotted that vase and I knew that's exactly what I needed. It wasn't the best alternative but it could have been worse."

"Yeah. A way to vent your frustration to the world." Leonard agreed, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "Perhaps we should go to the shooting range tomorrow or something."

"Maybe. I also quite liked being able to tidy up a mess that I had made. Is that weird? It's weird, right? Like, I think I get it, but..." Penny sighed. "Life is just a big ball of what-the-hell and surprises."

Leonard chuckled. "Couldn't have put it better myself."

They continued watching the episode for a while, before Penny finally turned to look at her husband. "Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't shoot your toe again if we go to the shooting range tomorrow."

"I'll try my best."

"Good." Penny smiled, turning her attention back to the screen. "And Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."


	7. Actions Prevail

The shooting range had turned out to be not only a good outlet for Penny, but also a great outlet for Leonard. Being able to concentrate on releasing any anger and tension he held was a wonderful feeling. He even managed not to shoot his own toe this time, although he still partially (and silently) blamed Penny kissing him for that. They agreed to go to the shooting range once a month - not only was it something that they both enjoyed, but it was a good way to channel any negative energy out of their systems.

Back at home, while Penny did some yoga in the living room, Leonard sat in his office and found himself thinking about what it must be like to be his wife. How did that switch between shooting range and yoga work in her mind? Leonard had always known Penny to be a strong positive being who let herself enjoy life and indulge in its pleasures, even if that enjoyment came from shooting something and then serenely stretching out her muscles. He didn't how it worked, but it certainly made Penny interesting and unpredictable. Leonard always found himself on one path until he reached a crossroads and had to pick the next step, where Penny seemed to jump from this lane to the other.

His wife was quite open with these things and sometimes they ended up in difficult situations because of their opposing paths. Leonard remembered only too well when he'd decided to take the road less travelled and try moving on from Penny with Priya. It had seemed like the right path to be taking, until little signs popped up here and there that indicated there was a reason that was the road less travelled. Priya wanted Penny to remove herself from his life, and he'd let her put him in that situation. But Penny had a heart of gold and agreed to step aside. Priya had wanted him to wear contacts and change his clothes and spend less time doing things he loved to do things she preferred instead. He let her do those things, because he thought it was the right thing to do.

In all that time, he hadn't spared enough of his time for Penny. He had thought she was doing well - it was Penny, she could easily find another boyfriend more suitable than he was! Penny tried to be nice to Priya and accommodate her into the friendship group, and she made semi-insulting jokes about him like a textbook ex-girlfriend. Only she was still friends with all his friends, so it was a little more confusing than that. But it wasn't until the morning after the evening Leonard had found out that Priya was moving back to India that he'd found out how Penny truly felt. After Penny had stormed back over to her apartment, and Howard had taken a mortified Raj home, Sheldon had made Leonard a cup of tea and sat down beside him on the couch.

 _"Leonard, I need to tell you that I couldn't sleep last night."_

 _"Great." Leonard had scoffed. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear after seeing my ex-girlfriend and one of my now ex-best friends leave my bedroom together."_

 _"No, it's not about whatever that was_ _. She said it's not what it looks like, remember?"_

 _"Sheldon, so far this is not making me feel any better."_

 _"That's not necessarily my aim. I merely want to pass on some information."_

 _"So get to the point."_

 _"Last night, while Penny and Raj had were incessantly clinking their glasses, Penny told Raj that she thinks you are a great guy and that she never should have broken up with you." Sheldon had paused to look at Leonard awaiting a response. When he hadn't receive one, Sheldon continued. "I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but Penny isn't the quietest person. Especially when she's been drinking."_

 _Even more confused than he had already been feeling, Leonard tilted his head back and stared up at the ceiling, unblinking. "I don't know what to do with all of this information."_

 _"I don't know either. I just wanted to let you know, because I don't think you knew that before."_

Leonard had pondered on that time he and Penny had been broken up many times, but as he sat in his office now he'd found a new angle. What if all those things that had been happening when they'd been broken up had been the first signs of depression? He remembered Penny had been drinking significantly more than usual during that time. The Penny he'd known before their breakup was spontaneous and didn't back down the way Penny had when Priya had made him tell her that they needed to part ways.

What if someone had thought to question these changes in her personality? What if instead of them all making jokes about Penny's drinking, one of them had taken it seriously? They may not have changed anything or affected any outcomes, but what if they'd used those previous signs as a warning message when he'd left Pasadena for the first and second expedition? Leonard knew he couldn't be certain that Penny had in fact felt something akin to depression back then, or if she saw a link between the two time periods, but he now wished he'd paid her more attention instead of letting Priya dictate his life. Leonard remembered vividly how he'd spent weeks on end on his expeditions partying and drinking to escape the reality of his life breaking down back home in Pasadena. Someone had confronted him about it and they didn't know him anywhere near as much as he knew and cared for Penny, even when they were broken up.

He wondered if perhaps there was a link, since this time round Penny's drinking had dramatically decreased since his second expedition, from what he knew. He couldn't remember if Penny had mentioned it before, but since reuniting with her he'd picked up on her aversion to alcohol. Did that mean self-harm had replaced the drinking?

Overwhelmed by his thoughts, Leonard stretched out across the couch in his office. Penny had gone through a lot, both that he knew of and didn't. To this day she carried around so much that just thinking about it now made him feel weighed down. Losing a baby and the worry and doubt that followed, the fear that something could pull her back into the darkness where she could hardly recognise herself, the punch in the stomach that was their best friends achieving accidentally what they'd been trying months to achieve themselves.

Standing up, Leonard paced around the office quietly. It was impossible to imagine a day in the life of Penny Hofstadter. Spontaneous, but clouded with fear. She was still the life-embracing, heart-of-gold woman that he'd first met, but with a bigger chip on her shoulder than her twenty-one-year-old self had arrived at 2311 North Los Robles Avenue with. Leonard felt an immense sense of pride for his wife and how incredibly strong she was.

And even if he couldn't erase all the worries and stress she carried around, he could do his best to soothe the wounds of her mind.

* * *

"Wow." Penny's breath caught in her throat as she took in the sight before her. "This... this isn't takeout food."

"I know." Leonard grinned.

Where the dining table usually held their laptops, work-related papers and books it was now adorned by a few candles and a vase of deep red roses. The table was set for two, with covered bowls and dishes that Penny knew to be from their kitchen. Homemade food. The smell was incredible. Penny had learned over the years that Leonard was an excellent chef and this was one of those moments she really appreciated it. There were small ramekins with various seasonings and toppings.

"How long was I in the bath?" Penny asked, astonished.

"I know you take long baths after yoga, and Thai food doesn't take that long to cook."

"And the vase? And the roses?"

"I checked stock online while you did your yoga."

"But what... why?"

Shrugging, Leonard pulled back a chair for Penny to sit down. "I just thought it would be nice."

Still awestruck, Penny sat down with a smile on her face. She thought that Leonard was probably trying to compensate for the struggle of accepting Bernadette and Howard's pregnancy, but rather than making her feel like she _needed_ something nice to balance those emotions out it actually made her incredibly grateful that he would put the effort in to do this for her. Sometimes talking things out helped, however at times like this the love she received through Leonard's actions was a million times more helpful. It proved to her, often during her toughest hours, that he was there with her through every journey she took - both good and bad.

And wasn't that what wedding vows suggested, Penny thought? Watching as Leonard began filling up her plate, Penny's smile grew across her face and her heart felt like it was going to burst.

For better or for worse.

In sickness and in health.

He managed to make something that could seem like a big deal, no deal at all. Perhaps ten years ago she'd have panicked that he was making some grand gesture, but Penny had come to learn that Leonard was not that unlike her. Where words failed them, actions prevailed.

"Thank you for cooking. It smells amazing." Penny said, once Leonard had sat down. She picked up on of the ramekins and began sprinkling some dried chilli onto her food.

Leonard wanted to tell his wife _cooking is nothing compared to everything you do_ , but instead he simply grinned and passed her the ramekin of chopped nuts - a mix of almonds, cashews and peanuts because they were her favorites to trade for the dried chilli. "No problem - and if I do say so myself, it tastes even better than it smells."

With a fond chuckle, Penny sprinkled the mixed chopped nuts over her food. Placing the ramekin down, she caught Leonard's hand as he reached for the soy sauce. "I love you."

He gave her hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze. "I love you too."


End file.
